You have arrived ... at the dock on Cayo Zapatilla #2.
©2007 Scott Doggett, Special to WhozHereNow.com

You’d think with all the wampum the many “Survivor” TV shows rake in, their producers would scour the Earth for perfectly hellish islands on which to shoot episodes. By that we mean a snake-dripping, jaguar-prowling, curse-plagued, leech-crawling, skeleton-riddled, fire-spewing and sea-ringed volcano which, when viewed from space, resembles not so much a land mass as it does a ghastly canker sore. But nooooo!

Instead they pick islands that harbor not a single threatening or even misunderstood creature, nor do they harbor threatening or even misunderstood plants, and where there should be scenes of hands frantically groping skyward before disappearing into quicksand there are only swaying coconut trees, cool sand, and bulging-bellied monkey butlers reclining in captain’s chairs, playing dominoes and sipping tropical drinks from tall frosty glasses.

If you remove the monkey butlers and their dominoes and drinks, what you're left with are adorably cute little islands such as the Cayos Zapatillas—two of the tamest of the tame isles in the Bocas archipelago and site of no fewer than eight “Survivor” tapings.

Located 18 miles, or 40 minutes by boat, southeast of Bocas Town and situated within a marine national park, the islands are ringed by white-sand beaches and contain 210,672 coconuts hanging on 9,631 trees. The numbers could be wrong (they were plucked out of thin air), but you get the picture: Fine sand and plenny a picturesque palms, their graceful trunks topped by a crown arcing leaves and coconuts. Magazine-cover posers. Good ones.

But their history is steeped in pirates and plunder, and that ain't no tall tale. There's a bitchin' trail that meanders through the palms and rainforest on the southernmost and bigger of the two isles, and if you follow it you'll come to a deep well dug by pirates 400-odd years ago. These buccaneers—true pirates of the Caribbean every last one of them—raided Spanish galleons packing gold from the Isthmus to the king of Spain.

No one knows if the bucs buried any treasure on the Zaps, or if they do they're biting their tongues! About 150 years ago, some gringos from the States got the itch bad enough to haul mining equipment to the isles and dig like gerbils. If you follow the trail, just before you come to the pirates' well you'll come across a water-filled pit at the edge of which remains the rusting hulk of the mining machinery.

Whether the miners found what they sought is considerably more mysterious than, say, whether Madonna is a natural blonde or whether Duke Nukem is the greatest action hero ever created by computer game developers. For then, as now, at least one government would have sought a piece of that golden action.

But I digress. The trail, part of which is elevated boardwalk through some creepy jungle always best visited alone, at night and during a howling storm, also leads to a tree that, like Castro, refuses to die. Back when it should have fallen over and called it quits, the tree sent out roots through the length of its trunk, and those of its branches that faced skyward became trees. Freaky, huh?

Also beside the trail: a pile of coconuts beside which is a pile of empty coconuts (it's fun to wonder what the hell that is all about), and there's a thicket of noni trees which produce a fruit so wickedly pungent, so Godawfully stinko, that its nicknames include "the cheese fruit" and "the vomit fruit." People in China, Samoa, Japan and Tahiti use it to treat constipation and stomach pain. (WhozHereNow Rule 92: It's not nice to make fun of Chinese, Samoans, Japanese or Tahitians.)

If a whiff of the vomit fruit or a peek at the pirate's pozo (well) or a sprint across planks through the Swamp Thing's yard or ribbons of beckoning white sand and swaying palms with delicious testis don't move you to make a trip to the Zaps, consider the water around them: It's clear and warm and contains lovely corals and fish. And if you're on an organized tour to the Zaps, you will likely spend time at Coral Cay before returning to Bocas Town. What a day!

Starfleet Scuba on Calle 1 (tel/fax 507-757-9630, info@starfleetscuba.com, www.starfleetscuba.com), Bocas Water Sports on Calle 3 (tel 507-757-9541, www.bocaswatersports.com) and J&J Transparente Tours on Calle 3 (tel/fax 507-757-9915) can take you to the Zaps. Expect to pay $50 for a two-tank dive (Starfleet and BWS only) and $20 if you’re snorkeling; rates vary with party size.

Location

40 minutes by boat from Bocas Town

Bocas del Toro

Panama